im alone in the house. my parents are out on a camping trip. my brother is out with his friends probably getting a late night snack. its 1 am and im on the piano. as i play i cant seem to concentrate. each passing minute im getting more and more frustrated. more and more mad. i dont know why. i dont have a reason. soon im yelling. yelling in this empty house. yelling nothing at all. yelling that i hate piano. that i hate myself. just yelling. my dog gets up and comes over, wondering whats wrong. i realize i wont be able to play piano for the time being. i should get some sleep.
im with A. we're close and we're laughing. flashes of moments when we had so much fun. when i was younger and naive. when i didnt feel like this was wrong. it's just a close friendship. and im feeling great being around her. we're sitting on my living room floor with the couch to our backs. and she's leaning in close to me. her head on my shoulder and im leaning in close to her, my head on her head. and shes playing with my hair. and i get this feeling. it makes me want to smile and laugh and shout out to the world. it also makes me want to jump up and run away. suddenly my aunts in the room. shes looking at us with narrowed eyes. i can see her brain working. next thing i know im in a room with her and shes asking me. is anything going on? come on, tell me. somethings going on isnt it. yea its you and her isnt it. this is wrong. you;re a girl. shes a girl. dont do it. this is wrong. and suddenly my aunts face turns into my moms face. and shes frowning at me. not talking to me but theres confusion and some animosity in her face. my brother walks in. whats wrong? he asks. no one says anything. but somehow i know that he knows. he knows whats going on. now im in my cousins room with my brother. we're just lounging around chilling. my brother leans over and whispers in his ear. my cousins eyes go wide. and suddenly they';re looking at me. they're judging me. i cant take it. i want to yell. i want to scream. i jump up and run out of the room.
im in class. i wont look at A. my eyes sting. im so frustrated. and angry. and embarassed. shes sitting right next to me and i refuse to look at her. im not angry at her. but im embarassed. im so angry its uncontrollable. next thing i know, im at home and its 2 am in the morning. everyone is asleep. i slip a piece of paper with a quote ive written on it under my parents bedroom door. they'll find it when they wake up. its got a quote, about acceptance. skip ahead to a few days later and im slipping another quote underneath. its about opening your mind to differences. now its just flashes. each night, i wait until everyone is asleep and im slipping pieces of paper with quotes under my parents' bedroom door, reflecting how angry i am. because we dont talk anymore, my parents and i. the only way ive been communicating with them is through these pieces of paper i slip to them.
now im lying on my bed. facing one way. A is lying beside me but im not looking at her. i can feel her breathing beside me. her arm and shoulder are pressed up against my back and i feel comforted knowing shes lying there beside me. we're silent and its a comfortable silence. we both know that we're about to have a talk. an important one, that, im sure of. but instead of talking, we're just lying there. enjoying the silence and the moment. because i still have some hurt in me. some anger in me. some embarassment in me. and im scared. so scared. it's ridiculous how scared i am.
i wake up to the slam of the door. i blink a few times and realize that it must be my brother leaving for his guitar lessons. I turn around in bed almost expecting A to be sleeping there next to me. But she’s not. and its a saturday morning and my parents are still out on their camping trip. im alone in the house. i stir a little, still in my half-asleep half-awake haze. and the dream starts coming back to me. actually it HITS me like a freight train. and suddenly im crying. it starts off slow. and im asking myself why am i doing this. why are you letting yourself cry like this? it was a dream. and i realize, this is whats been bothering me. this is why i cant concentrate on anything anymore. this is why i was so frustrated while playing piano yesterday night. dreams dont lie. i read somewhere that dreams are just the way your brain processes your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, your fears. and i know deep down. this has been lurking around in my brain. the fear. ohhhh the fear. of someone finding out. of everything going down the drain. Of my life completely ruined. Because someone found out. It’s the worst thing that could possibly happen to me. And im so scared it will happen. It could. That dream felt so real. And suddenly im crying so hard im gasping. The kind of crying where you’re sobbing out loud. Because im that scared. Im that upset and afraid. And my sleeve is wet now. And im looking up at the ceiling.
I start to calm down. No one’s in the house to hear me. Thank god. That must have been why I let it all out like that. Because I haven’t had a chance to let that out. Someone has always been in the house, or around me. Maybe that’s why im always trying to find space and time by myself. My mom is always asking me why im in my room with the door closed. Why would you possibly need to close the door in this household? She doesn’t like it. She doesn’t understand. Maybe I’ve just been trying to find some space to myself. To let it all out. And ive finally gotten my chance. In a way it feels good. Im starting to calm down. The tears still run down the side of my face to my ears because im still lying on my bed looking up at the ceiling. I wipe them away before they reach my ears. My breathing slows down and im just lying there now. Kind of spent. Feels good to let it out. It actually feels…. Calming. I feel my lips twitch. They want to smile because it feels that good to let it out like that. With no one in the house to witness my break down. I like that.
I turn and look at my alarm clock. Its been an hour. I know this because my brother leaves the house at 9 for his lessons. I didn’t even notice that id been crying for that long. I reach over to my nightstand and grab my ipod. I put my earphones on and press play. I realize its currently on my Our Lady Peace playlist. Its good music. It’s the perfect music for me right now. I lie there, listening to the poetry In the lyrics. I lie there until the playlist ends and theres silence once again. I stare at the ceiling and think back to the dream.
The frustrating part about dreams is that you never get to the end. Someone always wakes you up before the most important parts happen. In my sub-conscious, I know that there was a happy ending to my dream. There has to be. Even if my parents never accepted me, I’d still grow up 20 years later and be living my life. That would be the happy ending. Just growing up and living my life however I wanted to. But my dream never got to that part. And it frustrates me a bit. Actually quite a lot. Where is my happy ending? I remember a quote from the song Film by Nas. “ if I could only press pause, or fastforward past the hardness. “ I remember replaying that chorus over and over the first time I heard the song. Sometimes I wish I could do that. Just skip to 20 years ahead. Past all the hard parts of coming out. Or not coming out. Past the animosity from people. Past the awkward parts. Maybe even past A. maybe I’ll find a guy that I actually like and then settle down with him and no one will judge me anymore. Or maybe ill have accepted who I am. And I’d be settled in with A or the girl of my dreams. And maybe in 20 years my parents will have accepted me as well. Who knows. But all I know is that in 20 years, things will be alright. So why cant I just skip to that part of my life?
One thing I know though, is that if I enjoyed any part in the dream. It was the last part. Lying in bed beside A. maybe that was my happy ending. Just lying there, not thinking about the bigger picture. I want that moment back.
I hear the front door open. Now my brother is calling my name, asking if im awake yet. I tell him ya, im up. I walk downstairs and hes got a loaf of banana bread that his guitar teacher must have made and given to him. Hes also got two coffees from timmy’s on the table. I smile. Its sunny outside. I tell him thanks and I grab my cup of coffee and a slice of banana bread and I step outside into the backyard. I let the dog out as well and shes running around the yard now. I sit down on the outdoor recliner and eat my breakfast. I guess life goes on. No matter how scared I am. Life goes on. So I’ll just continue living it.