justsoinviting (justsoinviting) wrote in closetedyouth,

"don't think i'll confess.."

I'm 21 years old and I've just figured out that I'm a lesbian. It all makes so much sense now. There were so many signs that I tried to ignore because of the bullshit that was drilled in to my head about meeting a nice guy, getting married, having kids. I thought I was waiting for Prince Charming to come sweep me off my feet, but the truth is, I'm attracted to women.

Sure I've had sex with guys. But I never enjoyed it. I was never attracted to any of them. I just kept waiting for the chemistry to kick in. I thought, maybe it's me. Maybe there's something wrong with my sex drive or I just can't get out of my own head.

Now that I've finally figured it out I feel terrified and liberated at the same time..
The good news: the liberated part feels pretty damn good. Better than any drug or alcohol induced high. I feel so sure of myself now. For the first time I feel comfortable in my own skin.

The bad news: the terror. I have no idea what to do. I have never been in a relationship with another woman. I have no idea how to go about meeting girls or dating them. And gay sex? I was barely competent at straight sex. I have no idea what to do with another girl. I live in Charleston, SC (aka the Bible Belt) so I'm not even sure where to go to meet people. There are only two gay bars I know of here. I've been to one a dozen times and it's very hard to tell whose straight and whose gay. There's a really hot new bartender there but I'm afraid to even try to ask her out without knowing if she's gay. And even if she is, I'll just make a complete fool out of myself. Most of the "lesbians" I have met are scene kids who change their sexuality as often as they change their facebook status.

I'm terrified to tell anyone. I'm sure my mom will assume it's just a phase. My dad will have nothing to say at all. My guy friends will either make comments on wanting to see me make out with another girl or be upset that they've lost out on any chance of dating me. My girl friends will act like they're fine with it, but secretly wonder if I'm checking them out all the time. The one friend I know that wouldn't freak out hasn't been answering her phone for a few days.

I really want to tell someone but I don't know who I should tell or when or how. And it's scary because once I say it out loud there's no taking it back. It's out there forever. Because of where I live I'll be forever branded as "the lesbian girl." If I were still living in LA I probably wouldn't be feeling most of this anxiety. Being in Charleston changes everything. My life will never be the same after this. I've thought about keeping it to myself. Just go to the gay bar alone and try to meet people.

I don't know what to do. I've had the biggest epiphany I will ever have and no one to share it with.
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